TVFN-Television Fighting Network
by reno
Summary: Famous Celebs Duke it out in Hand to Hand Combet. Oh yeah, should I mention that they are suspended to boards hanging over a pit of sesame street characters.


Announcer Guy: Hello! And welcome to the first and hopefully not last because they might cancel us do to running on. Because the TV critics these days are just weird. Hey did you here the joke about…  
Lady in Audience (Dressed Like Someone From KISS): Quit Running ON!  
Announcer Guy: Oh sorry, its just this joke is just hilarious…  
Critics Walk In  
Announcer Guy: Like I was saying before I was interrupted. Welcome to the First Edition of Television Fighting Network. Today we have two teams going at it, suspended on a piece of wood over a pit of Sesame Street characters. Wearing goochie skirts, clown shoes, and cheese hats are: Rosie O'Donell, Jerry Springer, Justin Timberlake, Lil' Bow Wow, and MOM (From Malcolm in the Middle). Wearing Astroturf Pants, bras, and dog collars are: Eminem, Regis Philbin, Popeye, Dorothy, and Britney Spears. The rules are simple: first entire team to go into the pit of characters loses. Plus the last single person left not only is on the winning team but also gets a one-way plane ticket to Ecuador. Let's go backstage and have a word with the referee.  
Referee: Why the hell do you want to talk to me? All I do is make bad calls and stand they're hoping to not get hurt!  
Announcer Guy: Okay then! It looks like the battle is almost ready! They are just putting final touches on their suspense cables! Okay it looks like we are good to go! LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE! On the count of three, you may begin! ONE, TWO, THREE!   
Ding, Ding, Ding  
Immediately MOM moves towards Dorothy.   
MOM: Hey little girlie! Mommy wants a piece of you!  
Dorothy: Get a way from me you, you, you old hag!  
MOM: Whom are you calling an old hag? Your movie showed in the 60's! I was barely alive in the 60's  
Dorothy: Oh, yeah.  
MOM grabs Dorothy's pigtails and rips her off of the wooden board. She immediately falls into the pit of characters  
MOM: Looks like you're not in Kansas any more!  
Big Bird Starts Humping Dorothy!  
Dorothy: There is no place like hell, no place like hell…  
Announcer Guy: Eeew! Well that's one down! Eight more to go! Let's see what's happening between Eminem and Justin!  
Eminem: Who do you think the real slim shady is?  
Justin: Some old drunk guy with a chainsaw!  
Eminem sets down beer can and pulls chainsaw from inside his overalls.  
Eminem: I am going to trim you like a bush!  
Justin: God damn it Britney tell this monster to leave me alone!  
Britney: What?  
VVVVVRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM and Eminem chopped off Justin's head. Justin immediately fell into the pit as a bloody mess.  
Britney: Oh My God! You killed Justin, you bastard!  
Britney jumps into the pit and starts making out with what is left of Justin.  
Announcer Guy: Now it is 2-1, the goochie skirt team is ahead with four members left on the planks. Let's see what is happening between Regis and Jerry!  
Regis: My show is better than yours!  
Jerry: No way!  
Regis: Yeah it is!  
Jerry: Well on your show are you allowed to say stuff like this, F**k.  
Regis: Not Fair!  
Regis pushes Jerry off of the edge; Jerry grabs the board with one hand.  
Regis: Would you like to use a lifeline?  
Eminem comes and chops Regis in half!  
Eminem: Whoops my bad you dumb old guy with gray hair.  
Jerry: It looks like I used the 50/50.  
Jerry: Now I will phone a friend!   
Jerry Uses Cell Phone and calls Regis' agent.  
Jerry (Imitating Regis): I think we should stop doing the WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE television show. You are all fired! HAHAHAHA!  
Jerry: Now to ask the audience, how should I kill Eminem?  
Lady in Audience: Look out.  
Eminem chucks full bottle of beer at Jerry. Jerry lets go of support and falls into the pit, with Regis.  
Announcer Guy: It looks like the score is 2-3, with the goochie team still sporting: Rosie, Lil' Bow-Wow, and MOM. The Astroturf team still has: Eminem and Popeye! Let's check the action between Rosie and Popeye!  
Rosie: You better not pull the spinach out!  
Popeye: Don't make me!  
Rosie: I know, why don't you come on my show so we can talk about your wonderful addiction to spinach?  
Popeye: I will if you jump first!  
Rosie: NEVER!  
Popeye pulls out can of spinach! Rosie jumps!  
Rosie: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!  
Rosie lands on Elmo, squishes him, they have to delay the match so they can call an ambulance. In the meantime Rosie and Cookie Monster start shoving cookies up each other.  
Announcer Guy: Since we are on a technical delay let's look at our stats!  
KILLS  
Eminem- (3) Jerry, Regis, and Justin  
MOM- (1) Dorothy  
  
Popeye- (1)-Rosie  
  
Britney (1)-Britney  
  
Announcer Guy: Eminem is in the lead with three kills altogether although Regis was on his team. The police to use in court for the Regis vs. Jerry trial due out next month have confiscated his chainsaw. Looks like the match is back into action. Let's see how Lil' Bow-Wow is doing!  
Lil' Bow-Wow: Eminem come suck my dick!  
  
Eminem: What dick you girlie-man?  
  
Lil' Bow-Wow: This dick!  
  
Lil' Bow-Wow pees on Eminem.  
  
Eminem grabs Lil' Bow-Wow's dick and pulls him into pit  
  
Eminem: Now who is the better rapper?  
  
Lil' Bow-Wow: Not You!  
  
They throw nasty comments to each other for some time.  
  
Announcer Guy: Wow! That was quite interesting! The score at this point is…4-3. Left up on the boards is: Eminem, Popeye, and MOM. Now it is two on one! Let's watch.  
  
Popeye: Hey lady do you want so spinach.  
  
MOM drinks it and gets horny and starts humping the board she is bound to.   
  
Eminem: Nasty lady, come hump me!  
  
MOM: Here I come!  
  
Eminem does a quick move and MOM falls into the pit. And starts humping Snuffie. Who is Snuffing crack.  
  
MOM: Can I have a hit of that?  
  
Announcer guy: Well it looks like the Astroturf team has the win with two players left on the planks. Let's see who wins!  
  
Eminem: Hey Pop, can I have a whiff of spinach?  
  
Popeye: Sure!  
  
Eminem and Popeye get high and Popeye pushes Eminem off and wins, by a cheap shot.  
  
Announcer Guy: What a dramatic turn of events! And our winner is Popeye the Sailor Man!  
  
  
  
Cheerleaders in Crowd: Popeye the Sailor Man  
He lives in a frying pan   
Turn up the gas  
And burn up his ass  
He is Popeye the sailor man  
TOUT-TOUT  
  
Announcer Guy: The judges have awarded Eminem the MVP award. Since he is in one piece he will receive a one-way ticket to Albacqure, New Mexico! Thanks for watching!!! Stayed tuned for the Judge Judy Celebrity Addition coming out this summer!  
  
THE END  
  
Author's Note: This is me and my brother's first serious fic that we have written for fun. Please read other fics of ours, and REVIEW!!!  
  
Disclaimer: Most of these characters aren't made-up but taken from: television, the movies, and music!  
  
TTFN or should I say TVFN?  



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